PHILOKALIA MINISTRIES

Learning to Remain Before What Still Calls to Us “My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning.” — Psalm 130:6 There are certain lights that continue to burn in our lives long after we can no longer walk toward them. A monastery where one once felt at home. A work that gave shape to our days. Friendships that remain dear to us but have changed. Strength that has faded. Possibilities that once seemed near and now seem uncertain. Ways of living that still stir

On Waiting Between What Was and What May Never Be “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” — Job 1:21 There are days when I do not feel like holding onto any identity at all. I have spent much of my life straining toward things that seemed beautiful and holy. Priesthood, religious life, study, prayer, ascetic labor, teaching, writing, spiritual friendship. There was always the sense that one could become something more faithful, more wort

John Henry Newman and the Terrible Intimacy of Truth “Conscience is the aboriginal Vicar of Christ.” — St. John Henry Newman There is a loneliness that comes not from being unloved, but from seeing what one can no longer deny. This was the loneliness of St. John Henry Newman. Not the loneliness of temperament alone, though Newman possessed a profoundly inward nature. Nor merely the loneliness of intellectual brilliance, though his mind often moved beyond those around him. Dee

On the Difference Between the Loss of Self and the Loss of Illusion “I sat alone because Thou hadst filled me with indignation.” — Book of Jeremiah 15:17 There is a way of speaking about “disappearing” that is dangerous, because it easily collapses into something else entirely. One imagines silence, withdrawal, the refusal to assert oneself, and assumes this is the same as vanishing. But the Fathers, and even the deeper currents of psychoanalytic thought, would resist such a

St. Paul of Thebes and a Disciple “There comes a time when the servant of God no longer lives by what he does, but by what he is willing to lose.” — saying attributed to the desert tradition surrounding Paul of Thebes (Feast Jan.15) Disciple: Father Paul, the years feel heavy in my bones. What once burned with clarity now feels stripped bare. I have served at the altar for decades, yet I feel as though my name is being taken from me. Not through scandal. Not through failure.