The Man Who Began to Disappear

A Dialogue with St. Arsenius on Silence, Hiddenness, and the Soul That Grows Weary of Noise

“The soul was not created for many things, but for One.”

— St. Arsenius the Great

A brother came to the cell of St. Arsenius the Great in the evening, and after making a prostration, he remained kneeling with his face to the ground.

And the old man said to him:

“Why do you remain there, child? Has grief overtaken you?”

The brother answered:

“Father, I do not know what has become of me. Once I desired many things. I desired friendships, words, teaching, usefulness, correspondence with others, and the comfort of being remembered. Even in speaking of God I found warmth and life. But now something within me has grown still.

“When I am with the brethren, I love them, yet part of me longs to return to silence. When letters come, I grow weary before reading them. When I speak, my soul quickly withdraws inward again. I no longer know how to live except by producing words for others. And yet even this feels as though it stands outside my heart.

“I am not sorrowful, Father. Nor do I despise men. But I feel as though I am disappearing from the world. I have become nowhere and no one.”

The old man was silent for a long while.

Then he said:

“Give thanks to God.”

The brother was troubled and said:

“How can I give thanks, Abba? I feel as though my life is slipping away from me.”

And the old man said:

“Would you rather keep it?”

The brother began to weep.

Then St. Arsenius the Great said:

“When I dwelt in the palaces of kings, thousands knew my name. Men sought my counsel. Nobles rose when I entered their halls. Yet my soul was full of noise, and I had not yet begun to know God.

“But in the desert I became as one dead to the world. Many forgot me. Some thought me useless. Often I sat in my cell unable even to pray with words. Yet there I began to learn a little of the fear of God and the sweetness of Christ.”

The brother said:

“But why does the soul grow weary even of good things?”

The old man answered:

“Because the soul was not created for many things, but for One.

“A time comes when God no longer permits a man to feed himself upon activity, even spiritual activity. He hides sweetness from him in order to draw him deeper.

“The man thinks he is becoming empty, but if he does not flee, he discovers that Another waits for him there.”

Then the brother said:

“Father, should I leave all things behind? Should I cease speaking with men and abandon every work?”

And the old man replied:

“Do not be hasty. The demons also love extremes.

“Remain where God has placed you until He Himself makes the path plain. But cease from believing that your life consists in what proceeds from you.

“You say: ‘I do not know how to live without producing something.’

“But tell me, child, when the sun rises, does it produce anything? Does the desert produce anything? Does the mountain produce anything?

“And yet through their silence they glorify God.”

The brother said:

“Then what is this feeling within me?”

The old man answered:

“Perhaps your soul has begun to grow tired of eating dust.”

Again there was silence.

Then the old man said quietly:

“There are some whom God permits to spend many years serving others with words. And there are some whom He gradually draws into silence, so that they may learn to stand before Him without appearance, without usefulness, without the consolation of being necessary.

“This is a fearful thing at first. The soul feels itself dying because it can no longer take hold of itself through action.

“But blessed is the man who endures this stripping without turning back to noise.”

The brother asked:

“And what remains then, Father?”

The old man lifted his eyes toward heaven and said:

“Wonder.

“The man no longer seeks to become something, nor to leave something behind, nor even to understand himself. He stands before God astonished that he is loved.

“And this is greater than all works.”