The Hermitage Is Not a Reward

A Dialogue with St. Charbel on the Solitude Where Only God Remains

“My heart and my flesh have rejoiced in the living God.”

— Psalm 83:3 (LXX)

The disciple found Charbel outside the hermitage before dawn.

The saint was gathering fallen branches.

Disciple: Father, may I ask you something?

Charbel: Ask.

Disciple: When the abbot permitted you to come here, he warned the brothers not to think of it as a reward.

Charbel: Yes.

Disciple: Why?

Charbel picked up another branch.

Charbel: What do you think a hermitage is?

Disciple: A place where a monk may be alone with God.

Charbel: God was in the monastery.

The disciple was silent.

Disciple: Then why come here?

Charbel: To lose what remained.

Disciple: What remained?

Charbel looked at him.

Charbel: Myself.

They entered the hermitage.

A table.

A chair.

A lamp.

An icon.

Nothing more.

Disciple: But surely solitude makes prayer easier.

Charbel: No.

The disciple waited.

Charbel: It makes hiding harder.

Disciple: From what?

Charbel: What is in you.

Silence.

Disciple: I thought silence brought peace.

Charbel: First it brings truth.

The disciple looked toward the icon.

Disciple: And truth brings peace?

Charbel: If you remain.

Disciple: What happens if I remain?

Charbel took the prayer rope into his hand.

Charbel: Everything you brought with you begins to speak.

Your fear.

Your anger.

Your wounds.

Your plans.

Your need to be understood.

Your idea of yourself.

Disciple: And then?

Charbel: You stop listening.

Disciple: How?

Charbel touched the first knot.

Charbel: The Name.

A long silence.

Disciple: Father, is solitude terrible?

Charbel: It can be.

Disciple: Why?

Charbel: There is nowhere else to go.

The disciple looked toward the door.

Charbel noticed.

Charbel: You see?

The disciple lowered his eyes.

Disciple: I think I have desired solitude because I wanted to escape certain things.

Charbel: Yes.

The disciple looked up, startled by the answer.

Disciple: How do you know?

Charbel: You came here.

Silence.

Disciple: Then perhaps I am not called to the hermitage.

Charbel: You already have one.

Disciple: Where?

Charbel said nothing.

The disciple waited.

At last Charbel asked:

Charbel: What in your life can you not escape?

The disciple’s face changed.

He did not answer.

Charbel: There.

The distant monastery bell sounded.

Disciple: But what if I cannot bear it?

Charbel: Stay.

Disciple: And if it becomes dark?

Charbel: Stay.

Disciple: If I no longer know who I am?

Charbel: Stay.

Disciple: And do what?

Charbel moved another knot through his fingers.

Charbel: Jesus Christ.

Another.

Charbel: Son of God.

Another.

Charbel: Have mercy on me.

The disciple’s eyes filled with tears.

Disciple: For how long?

Charbel looked at him.

Charbel: You are still looking for the door.

Silence.

The bell sounded again.

Charbel rose.

Charbel: Go back.

Disciple: To the monastery?

Charbel: To what God has given you.

The disciple stood at the doorway.

Disciple: Father, was the hermitage a reward?

Charbel: No.

Disciple: What was it?

Charbel looked toward the icon.

Charbel: Nowhere else to go.

The disciple bowed and stepped outside.

He had walked several paces when Charbel spoke once more.

Charbel: Brother.

The disciple turned.

Charbel: Do not seek a hermitage.

A pause.

Charbel: When God closes the last door, you will know where it is.

The door of the cell closed.

The disciple stood alone on the mountain.

And there was nothing left to ask.