Only One Thing

A Dialogue with Abba Arsenius on Losing Everything but Christ

“Whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.”

— Philippians 3:7

The disciple found Arsenius sitting outside his cell.

There was nothing before him.

No book.

No work.

No food.

Only his hands resting upon his knees and the desert stretching beyond him.

The disciple stood nearby.

Arsenius did not look up.

Disciple: Father, I have lost much.

Arsenius: Not enough.

The disciple was silent.

The words wounded him.

Disciple: You do not know what I have lost.

Arsenius raised his eyes.

Arsenius: Then tell me.

Disciple: A place. A name. Certainties I lived by for years. Men whose judgment once mattered to me. A future I thought I understood. Even the way I knew myself before God.

Arsenius: And you want them back?

Disciple: I do not know.

Arsenius: Yes, you do.

The disciple looked away.

Disciple: Sometimes.

Arsenius: Then you have not lost them yet.

Disciple: They are gone.

Arsenius: No. They are in your head.

The disciple said nothing.

Arsenius: A man can leave the palace and carry the palace into the desert.

He picked up a handful of sand and let it fall slowly through his fingers.

Arsenius: You have changed your dwelling. Now let God empty the rooms.

Disciple: Of what?

Arsenius: Of yourself.

The disciple felt anger rise within him.

Disciple: Is there nothing good in what I have done? Nothing faithful? Nothing worth preserving?

Arsenius: Did I say that?

Disciple: No.

Arsenius: Then stop defending yourself against words I have not spoken.

Silence.

Arsenius: Much of what you received was good.

Disciple: Then why must it be lost?

Arsenius: Because even good things become idols when you need them to tell you who you are.

The disciple lowered his head.

Arsenius continued.

Arsenius: Priest. Monk. Teacher. Son. Father. Writer. Guide. Orthodox. Catholic. Hermit.

He paused after each word.

Arsenius: Which one will you place before Christ and say, “This is why You must receive me”?

Disciple: None.

Arsenius: Then why are you afraid when they are taken from you?

The disciple could not answer.

After a long while he said:

Disciple: Because without them I do not know who I am.

Arsenius: Good.

The disciple looked at him.

Disciple: Good?

Arsenius: Now you may begin to learn.

Disciple: Learn what?

Arsenius looked toward the horizon.

Arsenius: “Christ Jesus has made me his own.”

Nothing more.

The disciple waited.

Disciple: Is that enough?

Arsenius turned sharply toward him.

Arsenius: You have spent your life saying that Christ is everything. Now God has begun to take you seriously.

The disciple felt the words enter where consolation could not.

Disciple: I thought following Christ would make things clearer.

Arsenius: Who told you that?

Disciple: No one.

Arsenius: Then stop accusing Christ of breaking a promise He never made.

The desert wind moved against the cell.

Arsenius: He did not say, “Understand everything.”

He looked directly at the disciple.

Arsenius: He said, “Follow Me.”

Disciple: But I must make decisions.

Arsenius: Make the ones given to you.

Disciple: And tomorrow?

Arsenius: Has God given you tomorrow?

Disciple: No.

Arsenius: Then it is theft to live there.

The disciple sat down.

For a time neither spoke.

Then the disciple said:

Disciple: Paul says that he forgets what lies behind and strains forward to what lies ahead.

Arsenius: Yes.

Disciple: Then surely I must discern what lies ahead.

Arsenius: Paul did not say he strained toward circumstances.

Disciple: No.

Arsenius: Or recognition.

Disciple: No.

Arsenius: Or a position.

Disciple: No.

Arsenius: Or certainty about himself.

The disciple understood.

Disciple: He strained toward Christ.

Arsenius: At last.

Another silence.

Disciple: But there are things that remain unresolved.

Arsenius: Let them remain unresolved.

Disciple: There are men who misunderstand me.

Arsenius: Let them misunderstand you.

Disciple: There are judgments that may be made.

Arsenius: Let them be made.

Disciple: There are questions about what I will become.

Arsenius: Become nothing.

The disciple looked at him.

Arsenius leaned forward.

Arsenius: You still want Christianity to give you a successful ending.

Disciple: I want to be faithful.

Arsenius: Then be faithful today.

Disciple: And if faithfulness costs everything?

Arsenius: Everything costs everything.

The disciple waited.

Arsenius: The only question is what you receive in exchange.

He pointed toward the empty desert.

Arsenius: Paul lost everything and found Christ.

Then he pointed toward the disciple.

Arsenius: You are losing everything and keep looking backward to count what is disappearing.

The disciple’s eyes filled with tears.

Disciple: Some of it was beautiful.

Arsenius’ face softened, but only slightly.

Arsenius: Of course it was.

Disciple: Then am I wrong to grieve it?

Arsenius: No.

A long silence.

Arsenius: Grieve.

Then:

Arsenius: But do not build a house in the graveyard.

The disciple wept quietly.

Arsenius let him.

Eventually the disciple said:

Disciple: Father, what if after all this I discover that I have been wrong?

Arsenius: You will discover that you have been wrong about many things.

Disciple: That does not frighten you?

Arsenius: Why should it?

Disciple: Because I want to know that I am walking rightly.

Arsenius: There it is again.

Disciple: What?

Arsenius: Yourself.

The disciple became still.

Arsenius: Your correctness. Your discernment. Your vocation. Your future. Your innocence. Your justification.

His voice became quieter.

Arsenius: Paul called all of it refuse.

Disciple: Even righteousness?

Arsenius: Especially righteousness when it becomes your own possession.

He struck his chest once.

Arsenius: “Not having a righteousness of my own.”

The disciple whispered:

Disciple: Then what remains?

Arsenius answered immediately.

Arsenius: Christ.

Disciple: And what must I do?

Arsenius: What is before you?

The disciple thought.

There was someone waiting for his care.

There was prayer.

There was work that could be done quietly.

There were letters that did not need to be written today.

Questions that did not need answers today.

A future that had not been given to him.

Disciple: Very little.

Arsenius: Then do very little.

Disciple: And the rest?

Arsenius: God is not asking you to govern the universe.

The disciple almost smiled.

Arsenius did not.

Arsenius: You are not Providence.

The smile disappeared.

The words fell hard.

Disciple: No.

Arsenius: Say it.

Disciple: I am not Providence.

Arsenius: Again.

Disciple: I am not Providence.

Arsenius: Then stop trying to save your future.

Silence.

The sun had begun to rise.

Disciple: Father, Paul says, “One thing I do.”

Arsenius: Yes.

Disciple: What is the one thing?

Arsenius stood.

He went toward the door of his cell.

The disciple called after him.

Disciple: Father.

Arsenius stopped.

Disciple: What is the one thing?

Arsenius looked back.

Arsenius: Be His.

He entered the cell.

The disciple remained outside.

For once, there was nothing left to ask.