When Only the Name Remains

An elder and a disciple in the hour when words fail

“Keep thy mind in hell, and despair not.”

The disciple came to the elder before dawn.

He had not slept.

For many months he had carried questions with him into prayer, believing that if he remained patient enough an answer would eventually come. But the questions had not been answered. They had simply grown tired.

Now even the words with which he had once spoken to God seemed exhausted.

He sat before the elder.

For a long time neither spoke.

Finally the disciple said:

Disciple: Father, everything has become dark.

Elder: Then do not pretend that it is light.

Disciple: I cannot see the road before me.

Elder: You were never asked to see the road.

Disciple: But how am I to walk?

The elder looked at him.

Elder: Christ.

The disciple waited for more.

There was no more.

After a while he said:

Disciple: I have sought counsel. I have listened to good men. I have tried to understand what God desires of me. But their words no longer reach me. Even words that once consoled me seem to fall to the ground.

Elder: Perhaps they have finished their work.

Disciple: Then what remains?

Elder: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.

The disciple lowered his head.

Disciple: That is almost all I can pray now.

Elder: Then you have not been left with little.

You have been left with everything.

Silence returned.

Outside, the darkness before morning covered the mountain.

Disciple: Father, I am afraid of deceiving myself.

Elder: Good.

Disciple: Good?

Elder: The man who believes himself incapable of deception is already deceived. Keep your heart low. Do not trust your thoughts. Do not make an idol of your feelings. Do not call darkness light merely because you desire the darkness to end.

But neither betray what you know before God merely because obedience to conscience costs you something.

Disciple: How do I know the difference between conscience and self-will?

The elder was silent for a long time.

Elder: Self-will makes the heart large in its own eyes.

Conscience makes a man tremble.

Self-will says, I know.

Conscience says, God sees me.

Self-will seeks victory.

Conscience is willing to lose everything rather than knowingly turn away from the truth placed before it.

The disciple began to weep.

Disciple: Then perhaps this is why I am so tired. I no longer want to win anything. I do not want to justify myself. I do not even want to be understood. I only do not want to live divided before God.

Elder: Then do not defend yourself.

Stand before Christ.

Disciple: And if others misunderstand?

Elder: Christ was misunderstood.

Disciple: If they judge me?

Elder: Christ was judged.

Disciple: If everything is taken from me?

The elder looked toward the icon.

Elder: Then discover whether Christ is enough.

The words frightened the disciple.

Perhaps the elder saw this, because his voice became very gentle.

Elder: Brother, we say that God is everything. Then the hour comes when He permits us to discover whether we meant it.

Not in imagination.

Not in books.

Not in beautiful thoughts about renunciation.

In the flesh.

Something is taken.

Then something else.

A name.

A place.

A future.

The good opinion of others.

The image we carried of ourselves.

Even the consolations of prayer.

And the soul cries, “Lord, there will be nothing left.”

And Christ answers:

“I will be left.”

The disciple covered his face.

For some time only the sound of his breathing could be heard.

Then, almost inaudibly:

Disciple: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.

The elder said nothing.

Again:

Disciple: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.

The elder began quietly to pray with him.

They remained that way for some time.

Eventually the disciple spoke.

Disciple: Father, I keep wanting God to show me how all of this will end.

Elder: Why?

Disciple: So that I can have peace.

Elder: Then your peace would rest in knowing the future.

That is not peace.

Disciple: What is peace?

Elder: Christ.

Disciple: Even here?

Elder: Especially here.

The disciple looked toward the window. The sky had not yet begun to brighten.

Disciple: There is no dawn yet.

Elder: You are watching the sky too closely.

Disciple: What should I watch?

The elder touched his breast.

Elder: Here.

Keep the Name here.

Let the world remain unresolved.

Let tomorrow remain with God.

You are not Providence.

You are a man standing before Christ.

That is enough.

Disciple: And what shall I do today?

Elder: What has love placed before you?

The disciple thought for a moment.

There were simple things waiting for him. A room to straighten. Food to prepare. Someone frail who needed his patience. Duties no one would see. A body tired from too little sleep.

Nothing that resembled the great questions that had tormented him.

Disciple: Very little.

The elder smiled.

Elder: There is no “very little” when something is done for Christ.

Go and obey love.

Wash the cup.

Prepare the food.

Sit beside the one who needs you.

Bear another’s weakness without complaint.

And when your mind runs ahead to the life you cannot yet see, bring it home with the Name.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.

Do not solve your life.

Live before God.

Disciple: And the darkness?

Elder: Let it be dark.

Christ knows where you are.

Disciple: And if I feel nothing?

Elder: Say the Name.

Disciple: If I understand nothing?

Elder: Say the Name.

Disciple: If I lose everything?

The elder looked at him with immense tenderness.

Elder: Say the Name.

The disciple bowed his head.

For the first time he understood that perhaps faith was not the strength to see through the darkness.

Perhaps faith was consenting to remain there without abandoning Christ.

He rose to leave.

At the doorway he turned.

Disciple: Father, will the darkness pass?

The elder did not answer the question.

He simply said:

Elder: Do not ask the darkness what is true.

Ask Christ.

Then the disciple went out.

The mountain was still covered in shadow.

Nothing had been resolved.

Nothing had been explained.

The road ahead remained hidden.

But as he descended toward the obedience waiting for him, his lips moved quietly:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.

And for that hour,

it was enough.