The Father Who Could Not Reach His Son

A certain father came to Abba Arsenius and said:

“Father, my son has grown distant from me. There was a time when we spoke with ease, but now every conversation is brief. Often I do not know when he will come or whether he wishes to see me at all. I have searched my memory a thousand times to discover where I failed him. At times I blame myself; at times I blame him. My heart has become weary, for I love him, yet I cannot seem to reach him. Tell me, Father, what should I do?”

The old man remained silent for a long while.

At last he said:

“Do you wish to save your son, or do you wish to save your own heart?”

The man lowered his eyes.

“I do not know,” he answered. “I thought they were the same.”

The elder replied:

“If you make your peace depend upon another man’s heart, you have placed your treasure where no man can keep it. Every heart belongs to God alone.”

The father began to weep.

“But should I stop loving him?”

Abba Arsenius answered:

“No. You must love him more than before—but differently.”

The father asked:

“What is this different love?”

The old man said:

“Until now you have loved him with hope of being received. Now learn to love him without demanding an answer.”

The father sat quietly, for these words were difficult.

After some time he asked:

“But if he misunderstands me? If he thinks I no longer care?”

The elder answered:

“God Himself is misunderstood every day, yet He does not cease loving.”

Again the father asked:

“Should I explain myself? Should I defend my intentions?”

The elder said:

“Speak when love requires it. Be silent when only your wound desires to speak.”

The father remained silent.

Finally he whispered:

“Father, I fear we shall never be as we once were.”

The old man looked upon him with great tenderness.

“Neither will you.”

The man was startled.

The elder continued:

“Neither your son nor you will ever again be who you were. Do not ask God to return yesterday. Ask Him to sanctify today.”

Then the father said:

“How shall I pray for him?”

Abba Arsenius replied:

“Stand before Christ each day and say only this: ‘Lord, remember my son.’ Do not tell God what He must do. Do not tell Him when He must do it. Do not tell Him what your son should become. Simply place him in the wounds of Christ and leave him there.”

The father asked one last question.

“And if nothing changes?”

The old man smiled.

“Who told you that nothing has changed? Every prayer offered in love changes first the one who prays. If your heart becomes free of accusation, free of demands, free even of despair, then the Kingdom of God has already drawn near. Whether your son comes home tomorrow, in twenty years, or only at the Judgment, continue to keep a place for him within your heart.”

Then the elder rose to return to his cell.

As the father departed, one of the brothers asked the old man, “Do you think the son will return?”

Abba Arsenius answered:

“That belongs to God.”

The brother asked again, “Then what has been gained?”

The old man said:

“A father who no longer stands at the door demanding that it open, but before God with hands lifted in love. Such prayer is never lost.”