The Distant Lights

Learning to Remain Before What Still Calls to Us

“My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning.”

— Psalm 130:6

There are certain lights that continue to burn in our lives long after we can no longer walk toward them.

A monastery where one once felt at home. A work that gave shape to our days. Friendships that remain dear to us but have changed. Strength that has faded. Possibilities that once seemed near and now seem uncertain. Ways of living that still stir the heart even though they are no longer ours to possess.

The strange thing is that these lights do not go out.

They continue to shine quietly in the distance.

At first this can be painful. We are tempted either to pursue them with renewed intensity or extinguish them altogether. We tell ourselves that if we cannot have them, then we should stop caring about them. Better to grieve and move on.

But life is often less tidy than that.

Some things remain.

The Desert Fathers teach us a difficult lesson. Stay in your cell. Remain. Do not run after every thought, every desire, every possibility. Yet do not harden your heart either. There are holy desires that remain with us throughout our lives.

Not every longing is meant to be satisfied.

Some longings are meant simply to keep our hearts tender.

Perhaps old age is discovering that we need not possess every beautiful thing to love it. We need not resolve every uncertainty. We need not know where every road leads.

Perhaps it is enough to sit quietly before God while certain lights continue to burn in the distance.

They remind us that our hearts are still alive.

They remind us that we are capable of love.

They remind us that there remain mysteries we do not govern.

And perhaps they teach us one final poverty: to cherish what is beautiful, to entrust it entirely to God, and to remain at peace while it burns beyond our reach.

For there are lights that belong not to our future or our past but to God alone.

And it may be that wisdom consists simply in learning to sit quietly in the darkness without extinguishing them.