The Door Closed

On Ceasing to Live in Anticipation of Being Needed

“I have often repented of having spoken, but never of having remained silent.”

— Abba Arsenius

A brother came to Abba Arsenius and said:

“Father, I have withdrawn from many things. I no longer seek out company, nor do I involve myself in endless conversations. Yet my heart is not at rest.”

The old man said, “Where is your heart?”

The brother replied, “I do not know.”

Arsenius said, “It is standing by the door.”

The brother was puzzled.

The old man continued, “You are waiting.”

“For whom, Father?”

“For someone to knock.”

The brother said, “No one is coming.”

Arsenius looked at him and replied, “Then why do you keep opening the door in your thoughts?”

The brother was silent.

After a time he said, “Father, I keep expecting a message, a letter, a request, some news. I do not desire these things greatly, but I remain ready for them.”

Abba Arsenius said, “Then you are not in your cell.”

“But I am here with you.”

“No,” said the old man, “your body is here. Your heart is on the road.”

The brother lowered his head.

Again he said, “Is it wrong to receive letters or visitors?”

The old man replied, “The Lord received those who came to Him. I did not say it is wrong to receive. I said it is harmful to wait.”

The brother asked, “What is the difference?”

Arsenius answered:

“The man who receives a visitor and then returns to God loses little. But the man who lives waiting for the visitor has already left his cell. His thoughts go out searching, listening, wondering, anticipating. He no longer stands before God. He stands before possibility.”

The brother said, “I think I understand.”

The old man replied, “No, you understand very little.”

The brother looked up.

Arsenius said:

“There are men who have renounced possessions and yet live entirely in expectation. They wait for news. They wait for praise. They wait for invitations. They wait to be consulted. They wait for someone to need them. Their body sits in solitude while their heart runs from door to door.”

“Then what should I do, Father?”

The old man said:

“Close the door.”

“I have done this.”

“No. You have closed the wooden door. I speak of the door of expectation.”

The brother was quiet.

At last he said, “Father, I am afraid that if I cease waiting, I will become indifferent to others.”

Abba Arsenius replied:

“Does God forget you when He is silent? Does the sun cease to shine because it is hidden by a cloud? To cease waiting is not to cease loving.”

Then he said:

“Love those whom God places before you. Receive what He sends. Answer when necessary. But do not build your life around what might arrive.”

The brother asked, “And if nothing comes?”

The old man smiled.

“Then you will finally discover who has been with you all along.”

And the brother departed and sat in his cell. Many times his thoughts went to the door, but he gently brought them back and remained seated, waiting for nothing except God.