When the Heart Refuses to Be Silent

A Desert Word on the Tyranny of the Self

Disciple

Father I cannot pray because I am always watching myself. My thoughts my feelings my wounds my duties they all rise up and fill the space where God should be.

St. Arsenius

You are not praying. You are staring at yourself.

Disciple

But I am trying to be attentive.

St. Arsenius

You are attentive to dust.

Disciple

Is it not right to watch the heart.

St. Arsenius

Watch God and the heart will be shown. Watch the heart and God will be hidden.

Disciple

I am afraid that if I stop watching myself I will fall.

St. Arsenius

You are already fallen. You fell into yourself.

Disciple

My mind will not stop turning inward.

St. Arsenius

Because you keep feeding it.

Disciple

With what.

St. Arsenius

With interest.

Disciple

What should I do when thoughts and feelings rise.

St. Arsenius

Let them rise and do not bow to them.

Disciple

They feel urgent.

St. Arsenius

So does hunger. You do not eat every time it speaks.

Disciple

Then what do I give my attention to.

St. Arsenius

Give it to the Name.

Disciple

But even when I say the Name I hear myself saying it.

St. Arsenius

Then say it until you forget the one who speaks.

Disciple

This feels like losing myself.

St. Arsenius

You have never had yourself.

Disciple

Then who am I.

St. Arsenius

You are the one who turns toward God.

Disciple

And when I turn back toward myself.

St. Arsenius

You have turned away.

Disciple

Is this the whole battle.

St. Arsenius

Yes.

Disciple

And what is the victory.

St. Arsenius

Silence before God.

Disciple

What if I am afraid of that silence.

St. Arsenius

Then you are afraid of God.

Disciple

Pray for me.

St. Arsenius

Stand before Him and stop speaking.