Nevertheless, Not as I Will

Lord Jesus Christ,

let these words descend

from my lips into my heart:

Nevertheless, not as I will,

but as You will.

Let them become the fabric of my life.

Let them enter my breathing

until I no longer need to summon them,

until consent becomes quieter than thought.

When the cross is heavy,

let me say them.

When the cross seems too small to matter,

let me say them.

When the chalice is bitter,

let me drink.

When it is ordinary,

and I am tempted to believe that holiness must be found elsewhere,

keep me here.

Save me from the great imaginary offering

while I refuse the small one You have placed in my hands.

Save me from wanting another life

in which I imagine I would love You better.

This is the life You have given me.

This person before me.

This room.

This weariness.

This interruption.

This silence.

This waiting.

This thing I cannot repair.

This future I cannot see.

Here.

Let me find You here.

Strip from me the need to understand what You are doing.

Strip from me the need to be useful.

Strip from me the need to know what comes next.

Strip from me even the desire to measure whether I am surrendering well.

Let nothing remain but obedience of heart.

Lord, I have spent enough of my life trying to arrange the wood of the Cross.

Teach me simply to lie upon it.

When I am afraid,

do not necessarily remove the fear.

Teach me to remain.

When I am exhausted,

do not let me mistake exhaustion for abandonment.

When prayer becomes poor,

let one Name be enough.

Jesus.

When even the Name seems beyond me,

remember me Yourself.

I ask for no other chalice.

I ask for no other cross.

Only do not permit me to flee the one You give me.

Whether my offering is seen or hidden,

remembered or forgotten,

fruitful or apparently wasted,

let me cease bargaining with You.

You are God.

I am before You.

That is enough.

And when everything in me still whispers,

But I wanted another way,

let there rise from somewhere deeper than desire,

deeper than fear,

deeper even than understanding:

Nevertheless.

Not as I will.

As You will.

Amen.