The Memory That Gives Life

A Dialogue on Death, Silence, and the Awakening of the Heart

“He who has the remembrance of death as his companion is never separated from God.”

St. Isaac the Syrian

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A disciple came to Abba Macarius and said:

Father, since the feast of the Resurrection, something has changed within me. I thought that joy would come, and yet what has come is a deeper awareness of death.

I do not fear it. But I feel it near.

And as I look upon the world, I see men hurrying in every direction, occupied with a thousand things, and my heart has no desire to follow them.

Everything feels empty to me except the thought of God.

Tell me, Father, is this darkness or light?

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The old man said:

If you feared death, it would be darkness.

If you sought distraction from it, it would be delusion.

But because you see it and are at peace, it is light.

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The disciple said:

But why does the Resurrection make me think more of death and not less?

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The old man replied:

Before the Resurrection, death was hidden behind fear.

Now it stands before you without a mask.

Christ has stripped it bare.

He has not removed it from your sight, but from your terror.

And so you can look upon it as it is.

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The disciple said:

Then why does the world not see this?

Why do men continue in noise and haste as if nothing has changed?

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The old man said:

Because they have not yet tasted Life.

He who has not tasted honey runs after husks.

He who has not seen the sun is content with shadows.

The world is not full of life, my child.

It is full of forgetfulness.

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The disciple said:

Father, I look upon my own life and I am pierced.

I see how I have spent my years in vanities, in speaking, in restless activity.

Even now, to speak of many things feels like a burden.

My heart desires only silence and the remembrance of God.

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The old man said:

Blessed are you if this sorrow has come to you.

For it is not despair, but awakening.

When a man begins to see, he mourns not because he is condemned, but because he has been asleep.

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The disciple said:

But this makes me feel as though I stand apart from others.

They move quickly, speak eagerly, and seem filled with purpose.

I feel as though I no longer belong among them.

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The old man said:

Do not say that you do not belong.

Say rather that you are learning where you belong.

The heart was not made for dispersion.

It was made for God.

When it begins to return to Him, everything else feels strange.

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The disciple said:

Is this why I feel drawn to silence?

Even necessary words seem heavy to me.

And thoughts that once occupied me now seem like a loss.

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The old man said:

The soul that has begun to be purified cannot endure scattering.

It seeks to gather itself.

As a man who has been wounded avoids the crowd, so the heart that has been touched by God avoids excess.

Not because it hates men, but because it has found something greater.

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The disciple said:

Father, is this the remembrance of death that the Fathers speak of?

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The old man said:

It is the beginning of it.

The remembrance of death is not to think often of dying.

It is to see all things in their end.

And when a man sees the end of all things, he no longer clings to what passes.

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The disciple said:

Then why does this remembrance bring peace instead of fear?

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The old man said:

Because Christ has entered death and filled it with Himself.

Where He is, there is no fear.

When you remember death in Him, you are remembering Life.

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The disciple said:

What then should I do, Father?

How am I to live with this awareness?

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The old man said:

Do not try to resolve it.

Remain in it.

Let the awareness of death teach you simplicity.

Let it strip away what is unnecessary.

Let it lead you to prayer.

Do not force yourself to return to noise.

Do not condemn those who remain in it.

But guard the stillness that has been given to you.

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The disciple said:

And if I feel sorrow for the years that have been lost?

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The old man said:

Give them to God.

He does not count as men count.

One hour lived in truth is greater than many years lived in forgetfulness.

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The disciple said:

Father, will this desire for silence remain?

Or will it pass as other things have passed?

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The old man said:

If it is from you, it will pass.

If it is from God, it will deepen.

But it will not remain as a feeling.

It will become your life.

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The disciple said:

And what is the end of this path?

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The old man said:

The end is very simple.

To stand before God with an undivided heart.

To love Him without distraction.

To pass through death as through a door already known.

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The disciple was silent.

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And the old man said:

Keep death before your eyes, and you will never lose Life.