I Could Not Leave God to Be with Men

On the Angelic Hunger for Silence, Solitude, and an Undivided Heart

Disciple:

Abba, my heart has become restless among men. Even when I am loved, even when I serve, something in me remains unsatisfied. Silence calls to me with a force I cannot explain. Is this pride? Am I fleeing love?

Arsenius:

If it were pride, you would feel enlarged by it. If it were escape, you would feel relieved. Tell me, do you feel either?

Disciple:

No, Abba. I feel exposed. As though something within me is being stripped bare. Silence does not comfort me. It wounds me, yet I cannot turn away from it.

Arsenius:

Then do not despise the wound. God often enters the soul by way of pain. The desire you describe is not for quiet, but for unity. Your heart is tired of being divided.

Disciple:

Yet when I withdraw, others are hurt. They say I am cold, distant, ungrateful. I love them, Abba, but I cannot live as they do. My thoughts scatter. My prayer dissolves.

Arsenius:

God knows that I loved the brethren. And yet I could not live with God and with men. Hear this carefully, child. This is not a command for all, nor a justification for self-will. It is a confession of necessity. The thousands and ten thousands of the heavenly hosts have one will. Men have many. A heart that has tasted the One begins to suffer among the many.

Disciple:

Is this why solitude feels angelic? As though my soul is being pulled upward, away from the noise of human wanting?

Arsenius:

Yes. But do not rush to call yourself an angel. Angels obey perfectly. Men must learn obedience through patience. Many feel the fire. Few endure the slow burning.

Disciple:

Then what must I do, Abba? The desire grows stronger. Silence calls to me day and night.

Arsenius:

Wait. Do not seize what can only be given. Desire is not yet a vocation. Fire must be tested, or it will consume the house instead of warming it.

Disciple:

Waiting feels like death.

Arsenius:

It is. And that is why it is necessary. The one who is truly called must first die to choosing. He must learn to stand still while God arranges his life. Silence that is grasped becomes violence. Silence that is received becomes peace.

Disciple:

But how will I know if the call is real?

Arsenius:

If it is real, it will humble you. It will not make you impatient with others, nor contemptuous of their many wills. It will teach you to love them more deeply, even as you step away. It will make you willing to remain hidden, misunderstood, even delayed.

Disciple:

And if God never opens the door?

Arsenius:

Then He will become your solitude wherever you stand. Do not imagine that silence depends on walls or distance. Many live alone and never meet God. Others live among men and never leave Him.

Disciple:

Still, Abba, my heart longs to be undivided.

Arsenius:

Then guard that longing with humility. Obey where you are placed. Speak little. Pray much. Let God thin your desires until only one remains. When the time comes, you will not need to argue your calling. God will remove you quietly, as one removes a candle from the wind.

Disciple:

Pray for me, Abba.

Arsenius:

I pray that you learn to wait without grasping, to love without possessing, and to desire God without using Him to escape men. If the call is from heaven, it will not hurry. Heaven is never anxious.