At the Edge of the Abyss

Hear me, O God.

Do not hide from my pleading.

My voice rises in the dark where no one answers.

My heart quakes within me;

fear and desire tear at each other like beasts in a cage.

O that I had wings like a dove to fly away and be at rest.

So I would escape far away and take refuge in the desert.

I want to flee, Lord, flee from the noise,

from the endless measuring of my life by others,

from the slow suffocation of obedience without clarity.

Yet there is nowhere to go.

Even if I found the desert,

I would carry myself there,

and the battle would begin again in silence.

I have prayed, waited, obeyed,

and still the way lies shrouded.

My heart strains toward the monastery,

toward the stillness that seems to bear Your breath,

but my hands are bound by duty,

and the walls close in.

I do not know if I am being purified

or simply undone.

From the end of the earth I call to You,

my heart fainting.

Set me on a rock that is higher than I.

You are my refuge, my strong tower against the foe.

You, Lord, You are the only place left to stand.

I am stripped of names, of belonging, of certainty.

I have given You priesthood, dreams,

and every plan that once gave me shape.

Still You ask for more:

for the silence of the heart,

for the trust that has no reward but Yourself.

Sometimes I think I cannot bear it.

Sometimes I look into the abyss

and feel it staring back,

and yet I know You are there,

beneath even that emptiness,

holding what I cannot.

In God alone is my soul at rest;

my help comes from Him.

He alone is my rock, my stronghold, my fortress: I stand firm.

So I cling, Lord,

not with strength, but with exhaustion.

If You break me, let it be into truth.

If You silence me, let it be into prayer.

If You hide me, let it be in the shadow of Your wings.

Trust in Him at all times, O people,

pour out your hearts before Him.

For God is our refuge.

I pour out what little remains:

faith frayed thin, hope stretched beyond measure,

love flickering like a wick drowning in wax.

Take it.

Make of it something that can burn again.

For You alone, O God,

are the end of all my longing,

the abyss deeper than despair,

the rest beyond all fleeing.

In God alone is my soul at rest.