Dialogue with St. Arsenius

Perhaps the Last Time Christ Passes By

A disciple came to Abba Arsenius in the evening and remained standing, unable to speak. Seeing his trembling, the Elder said,

Why do you stand as one pursued.

The disciple said,

Father there is a fear in me that I do not recognize. It is not the fear that has followed me all my life. It is not fear of failure or of being unseen or of losing what little I have. It is the fear that the Lord is passing near and that I may let Him go by without rising to meet Him.

Abba Arsenius was silent for a long time. Then he said,

This fear is not from the enemy.

The disciple said,

My whole life feels like a long breaking apart. I labored many years to shape myself into something secure and worthy. I wore names and callings and hopes as garments, but they grew heavy and false. Only my sins taught me the truth. Only my falls showed me my poverty. Nothing instructed me as deeply as what stripped me bare. Now I fear that this hour of seeing may not return.

Abba Arsenius said,

God allows a man to fall so that he may learn where his strength is not. Poverty of heart is the first true vision. But tell me, what troubles you most now.

The disciple said,

I have tasted silence, Father. I know its severity. When there was no one to see me and nothing to perform, I sensed for a moment who I am before God. In that place nothing mattered except Him. I could have remained there. I should have remained there. But I returned again to noise and distraction and the old fears. Now something in me knows that I cannot continue as before. I fear this clarity because I know it demands everything.

Abba Arsenius said,

When the Lord draws near He does not argue with a man. He asks him one question and waits for the truth.

The disciple said,

That is what frightens me. I know the question. What do you want Me to do for you. I am afraid of answering falsely. I am afraid of speaking from habit or ambition or fear. I want no other answer to rise in me except what is real.

Abba Arsenius said,

Then do not answer quickly. Stand where you are and let your heart speak without ornament. The blind man did not ask for honor or place. He asked to see. Many follow Christ yet do not wish to see Him.

The disciple said,

Father I fear that if I do not cry out now I will grow dull again. I fear becoming careful and reasonable and occupied. I do not want to meet the Lord having spent my life chasing shadows and calling them light. Wake me if this is the hour. Burn away what is false even if it costs me everything.

Abba Arsenius said,

Better to be burned once by truth than warmed for a lifetime by illusion. If the Lord passes by and you are awake, that is mercy. If He wounds you so that you may see, that too is mercy.

The disciple said,

Then let this place be my roadside. Let me not be silent. If I am to disappear from the sight of men let me be known by God alone. If I am to walk in darkness let it be after having seen His face.

Abba Arsenius looked at him and said,

Do not fear losing what must fall away. Fear only this, that your heart might grow accustomed to sleep. Stay awake. Cry out while the voice is still alive in you. If you see Him, you will know the path. If you know the path, you will not need to ask where to go.

And the disciple bowed to the ground and said only,

Lord that I may see.

And Arsenius said,

Remain there until He answers.