Strip Me of My Illusions

Standing before God with St. Ephrem

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O Lord and Master of my life,

I stand before You divided.

My body is here but my heart runs in many directions.

I call You Master yet I cling to my own rule.

Take from me the spirit that resists You.

The heaviness that makes prayer feel like death.

The quiet despair that says nothing will change.

The hunger to matter.

The need to be heard.

The words I use to stay hidden from You.

Strip these from me.

Even if it leaves me poor.

Even if I do not recognize myself without them.

Give me instead a heart made whole.

Not scattered.

Not bargaining.

Not divided.

Give me humility that does not explain itself.

Patience that stays when the way is dark.

Love that does not need to be seen.

Let me see my own sins.

Not tomorrow.

Not gently.

Let me see them now.

Without justification.

Without comparison.

Do not let me look sideways.

Do not let me measure myself against my brother.

Do not let me steal peace by judging another’s wounds.

If You must wound me, wound me here.

If You must humble me, do not spare me.

Only do not leave me with my illusions.

For You are King.

And I am tired of ruling myself.

Blessed are You unto the ages.

And I remain before You.

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Addendum

As we prepare to enter Lent, the Church places the prayer of Ephrem the Syrian at the center of her worship not to mark a season, but to train the heart. This prayer is repeated because repentance must be repeated. It is bowed because the soul must bow. Lent does not add something new to the Christian life. It reveals what has always been demanded.

To pray this prayer truthfully is already to begin the fast.

To return to it daily is to let the heart be corrected again and again.

Where this prayer takes root, Lent ceases to be symbolic and becomes real.

It is not meant to be completed.

It is meant to keep us standing before God.

“O Lord and Master of my life,

take from me the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power, and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to Thy servant.

Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own sins and not to judge my brother,

for blessed art Thou unto ages of ages. Amen.”